Schmoooooozer rhymes with LOSER!!

Haaaaaaaaai there!

Let me start off with a little disclaimer, i am in no way prejudiced against all sales people, only those who graduated from the school of schmooze.

Our poor long suffering, sticky-half-chewed-sweet seat covered, bits of dried chewed soggy mango stuck to the roof, but also much loved car had to go in for a service, which is fine i booked it in about two weeks ago, we collected the rent a car (a RED toyota Yaris.....which deserves a post all of it's own) last night and this morning my husband took our car down the hill to the dealership and is assigned a 'person' to deal with for the duration of our service, i think i will call him simon because it goes nicely with schmooze....schmoozey simon. yes. I skillfully avoided taking the car down to the dealership for it's service, SPECIFICALLY because of schmoozey-simon. Last time i took it in for a service, i had to stop myself from VOM-ing due to the excessive amounts of gratuitous CRUD that spewed-forth from the slimey-sticky mouth of schmoozey-simon and frankly the thought of having to make conversation with him made me feel sick to the stomach *retch*

So after a wonderful day with my family, i get a phone call from a 'withheld' number. I answer the phone and hear 'Well hullo there, is that the lovely Mrs McPhail?' *retch* there is no mistaking that voice.

'Yes hullo Simon.'

'Oooooh you remembered me'

*retch again*

'Right well, Mrs McPhail, i'm just phoning you in connection with your Vehi-clay'
*double retch*

'Well Mrs McPhail, Unfortunately due to unforseen circumstances Mrs McPhail, we had to carry out some additional work Mrs McPhail (why the HELL DOES HE KEEP REPEATING MY NAME????) and Mrs McPhail, i was just giving you a tinkle (*REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEETCH*) to give you a quote for the additional work, Mrs McPhail.'

'Now Mrs McPhail, you requested that we replace THE right headlight blub, Mrs McPhail, we have done this at a cost of eighty South African Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrront (i kid you not, this man said RONT with a ROLLED RRRRR) *wretch* also Mrs McPhail, here at Schmoozy-Cars we pride ourselves on our fantastic safety standards and Mrs McPhail we noticed that your brake pads needed replacing, so Mrs McPhail we do feel it necessary to do this and also the brake discs at a cost of one thousand South African Ront.' *reeeetch again* - maybe i have hairballs??

*arb conversation with lots of retardedly fake little giggles from Simon and none in return by me*

'So Mrs McPhail, will you be collecting your vehi-CLAY *gag* this afternoon? Who was it that dropped it off this morning by the way?'

'My Husband'

'aaaw, Mrs McPhail, why are the pretty ones always taken? *fake giggle*'

*DRY HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAVE*

So the conversation ended and i thought that was the end of my encounter with Schmoozey Simon.

i was sorely mistaken.

Due to circumstances beyond my control, it turned out that i had to pick up the car....
I walk into the dealership and i can see him, sitting there grinning his annoying fake grin that i'm SURE is just stuck there with two pieces of sticky tape, and then it starts......

'MRS MCPHAIL!! It's SOOO lovely to see you Mrs McPhail!! Please do sit down Mrs McPhail so that i can go through all bits and bobs with you *wretch wretch wretch*'
While i was sitting there, Ewan sms'd me and my phone goes 'MOO!'' when i get an sms.
'OOOOOH!' says simon, 'that's soooo cute!! MY WIFE LOVES COWS!!! What is it about them? They are just sooo cute' *VOM*

'I"m so sorry Mrs McPhail that i couldn't have her (i HATE IT WHEN PEOPLE CALL CARS HER) bathed. *retch* But we just ran out of time Mrs McPhail. But Mrs McPhail, when you're next in the area Mrs McPhail, and you have a half an hour spare Mrs McPhail you must pop in and visit and we'll send her for a bit of a scrub for you, at no additional charge to yourself.'

GEE WHIZZZBANG!! i can't WAIT to spend half an hour in the presence of SCHMOOZEY SIMON!! In fact i'm so excited i think i will go tomorrow........oh rats i just remembered i'm having my TOE NAILS PLUCKED!!!!!!!!!